July 14, 2012

• I Lost my Bear!

  It's really not a secret that I still sleep with a teddy bear. Yes. it's a little embarrassing when my boyfriend sees it lying in the same spot everyday, but I love the thing. I've mentioned my bear before in an earlier post. It means a lot to me, and I probably should have used that on my 30days thing instead of a pair of shoes I've had since the tenth grade.

  This bear is older than I am. My parents bought it after some shotgun wedding in Broken Arrow, OK when my mom was 6 months pregnant, therefor the bear is at least 20 years old. The reason was that it reminded my dad of his sister's rag doll, Penny, that she's had since she was born. My aunt is 48-years-old. When I realized it wasn't in the same spot that I always lay it down on, I had a genuine panic attack. I do take medication daily for stress and anxiety, which is probably what allowed me to realize that my fear was irrational.

  I was hobbling around my room in hysterics, because I didn't know what would happen to it. On top of that, the maid came today and she always moves things around, so I didn't know if it was in some strange place where I would never find it. This morning, I called my daddy like a two year old and told him what was happening. All I could think of was 'Where's my bear?' "I lost my bear.' 'My bear is gone.' 'What happened to my bear?' My bear's whereabouts were the only thing running through my mind.

  The reason (I think) I panicked was because I am also very sleep deprived. I am living with my sister and her three small children. Her baby boy has been keeping me awake, and I have sleeping problems to begin with. I take hardcore meds for it. It's called Zanaflex (not to be confused with Xanax) and I am trying to be more responsible about the way I treat the medicine. I'm trying to wean myself off, because I am extremely addicted. I know this is stupid, because I am not a doctor and will never be one. Though, my father is a very well respected doctor in The Metroplex and he has set the dosage for me. It's been hard. I've been up since 4AM yesterday morning, and am starting to worry about my health, my future relationship with my pills, and returning to school with a GPA that is considered "below average". Thankfully, my mom decided to wash it because "God knows what's on that thing.". I'm so happy I was able to locate it, and tomorrow night I will sleep much better.

  This bear is a symbol to me. No matter what I think of my dad during the day, or really just whenever. On the days that I hate him and sometimes feel that he treats me with hate, I know in tnat moment - when he bought the bear in Broken Arrow - he loved me. This is the reason I love my bear so much, because that day in Broken Arrow, my daddy loved me more than anything. Honestly, is there anything more pure and true than a father's love for his daughter? I can't think of anything. I know one day I'll give this bear to my children for the same reason When I saw that it was gone, I was afraid that my future daughter (and I will have one - I'm adopting my kids), this would never happen. I am so relieved that I found my bear, and I know the man who loved me when he bought it is relieved too.

  Now, if you'll excuse me, I am going to catch some sleep cuddling my Kangaroo (Katie) that my parents bought at the bookstore in Sherman.

  • 7:22 am
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